Prose

Late last year, my boss had asked me about my now-defunct Instagram poetry account. And I said that it was a passion project during the pandemic but I had not been able to maintain it anymore once normal life resumed. After saying that came this subliminal pain in my chest. I was sad. There was this longing to do it again–to write, to create. And there was a feeling that I had somehow lost or buried a part of me. That I had abandoned myself. That a small piece of my heart had been chipped away by stopping something that I love doing. And…

 

My Heart Yearns 

 

My heart yearns to make sense of what’s happening inside me

To put structure on seemingly-disparate thoughts

And emotions that sometimes I cannot contain in this body

My heart yearns to set something inside free

To weave with words and crystallize codes

My heart yearns to be expressed and create something beautiful

 

I stopped writing after the pandemic because I told myself I didn’t have time. I have a full-time job, a fitness routine, etc. etc. But as my husband Rob rightly pointed out–“you’re on social media or online shopping the whole day. You have time. ”

 

So the following weekend, I made a decision to start writing again. The amazing thing was that I had all these beautiful photos from a shoot I did on a whim. The month before, I did a shoot in Cebu with @LarloRay, @ma.nu_studios, @janicethebeautyfairy, and @shantaldavidson. I almost did not go. There was a super typhoon that week in the Philippines, but we gambled. I kept receiving signs to trust the timing, to go. So I did. And I’m glad I did. We ended up having perfect weather and a pretty spectacular sunset. My flight landed during a light drizzle just as the super typhoon was moving on. I also escaped, by a hairline, the super earthquake that happened two days after I left. This was the first of a series of super earthquakes and aftershocks that would plague Cebu throughout October and November, where unfortunately peoples’ lives and livelihoods were destroyed.

 

I decided to restart my blog and poetry account using some of the photos from that shoot. It made sense, well, kind of. But after that decision, I started to wonder about the point of it all. What was the big purpose? Who am I serving? What’s my message? Who am I fighting for? What am I fighting for? But I didn’t have answers to all of these yet so I just started creating. I spent the holiday break putting together color palettes, thinking of titles, looking at fonts, editing photos, playing with words… And I was just having so much fun. As a kid, my favorite pasttime was playing with Microsoft Publisher (who remembers it from the 90s?!). I just loved creating all those business cards, stationeries, invitations, etc. for no purpose at all except for my own enjoyment. And then I would print them in our HP 400 Deskjet printer in color!

 

And so, as I was just creating and having fun, one full moon night in December, it dawned on me. It was not for any purpose or audience or platform really. At least not for now. I could just let the work unfold and figure all of these out later. But my birthday was coming up in January. And so, all of this is simply my birthday gift to myself–this joy from the process of creating and self expression. This is for me and for my own plesaure. And that is reason enough.

 

Debunking the Dichotomy of Self vs. Others

 

My beautiful artist/musician/writer sister @arunditha.emmanuel runs a mentorship program called Pure Voice. I asked her: “How do you balance creating for yourself versus creating for others/for service? Because, in the past, when I created for others, I would sometimes abandon myself and cross some boundaries I would have rather kept because the priority was others. Or, I became performative because I sought approval. But now, primarily, I just want to create because I enjoy the process of creation and I want to create as a mode of authenticity and self expression. But isn’t this selfish?”

 

And her response made me smile and tear up at the same time (the best kind of insights always do, in my opinion). She essentially asked me back, “why does it have to be a duality? Why does serving oneself have to be mutually exclusive with serving others? This way of being–choosing between one or the other–is something that we essentially inherited from the women in our bloodline. And while it comes from a place of love, care, and a genuine desire to be there for others, we always put ourselves second to the role that we decided is important. The reality is that when we perpetuate this mode of being, we never attune to the highest version of who we really are and how we could really be of service to the collective in the most spectacular way.”

 

The sad part was that it was so shockingly automatic to me, this concept of selfless vs. selfish, there didn’t even exist a third option. And it dawned on me. This black and white construct of self versus others is something we need to unlearn as women, especially in this part of the world–a view that life is always about sacrifice. Whether part of it is from Catholic roots or a colonial framework of gender roles, this blueprint of martyrdom has been the pride of women, wives, and mothers. It’s something we can reframe for ourselves and future generations of women. Of course I’m not talking about just outright being self-centered. I’m talking about serving the self and not abandoning her, being unapologetically authentic to who we are and our callings, and not feeling guilty about it. Because why not? Because wouldn’t self service, when authentic, and genuine, and coming from a place of love, ultimately serve others too? Couldn’t doing something we love, for ourselves, benefit others too?

 

The Conch Shell

 

I was looking at the photos afterwards and I couldn’t help but notice the conch shell that we used as a prop during the shoot. We hadn’t planned it but we stumbled upon them at the location. And so I did further reading on them and what they represent. In Buddhism, the conch shell is one of the eight auspicious symbols, representing the fearless proclamation of truth. In Ancient Greece and Rome, they were associated with sea gods Triton and Neptune, sybmolizing the connection between the divine and the natural world. In many spiritual traditions, the conch shell is used during meditation and payer, awakening the mind and making it more receptive to spiritual insights and divine communication.

 

And so, just because yesterday I turned 39 and I want to give myself the gift of flow, of creativity, and of expression, here we are. Like the conch shell, this is a space for me to declare my truth, to express moments of inspiration, to unfold emotions with words, and to share lessons gifted by the Universe. This is a place where I commune and co-create with Spirit and give as I receive—in a dance, a healing process, and most importantly, an avenue for joy in the creative process. Perhaps through this space, that chipped corner of my heart would find its way back to me. And may it find a way to inspire a piece of yours too. ❤︎